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Dear Jess - Relationship Advice for Before, During & After Your Trip to the Altar
By Jessica Schickel
Dear Reader,
I am no doctor, certainly no psychologist, heck; I barely have a degree at all. What I am is a writer who just celebrated her 4th wedding anniversary. I've made some excruciatingly dumb choices in my life, but thankfully marrying my husband wasn't one on them. Plus, we had a great wedding. So there's that. Hopefully you don't need me to be more qualified than that to address your concerns.
Like all writers, I'm an acute observer � of people, places, behavior, especially bad behavior, which is endlessly fascinating. I read a lot, I think about things, and I write from the solar plexus.
Welcome to the first installment in an ongoing rumination about relationships, weddings and marriage. My hope is to have a conversation with you about what �it' all means. Write in � let's talk! I know some days I feel like I have insight and wisdom, that I'm on the pollen path. Other days I swim in the shark- infested waters of my own soul, splashing around in a suit made of poultry.
No topic is too trite � Let's talk about everything. Bad bouquets? Awful step-children? Seating plans gone awry? Divorce? Menu preparation? � I'm your gal.
With delighted anticipation
Jess
Dear Jess,
I hear its all tepid sex after marriage. Is there anything to look forward to in the romance department after I've said my vows?
Sincerely,
Getting Hitched
Dear Hitch,
There's plenty of hot sex after marriage. I've heard there are long-married couples still getting it on in new and creative ways, drawers teeming with special garments and apparatus. I don't actually know these people, but I've heard they're out there.
I say, get the hot sex out of the way in your twenties. Its better when you're still skinny and you have tunes in your boom box not sung by a hand puppet. What remains after a few years of marriage is hilarious sex; raucous, expert and, efficient sex. This is excellent stuff, but it's no longer the chandelier swinging, throw-you-down-on-the-Posturpedic bump and grind of your pre-marital life.
If you're very lucky and have picked the right partner, you'll embrace all the changes you and your husband go through. He'll have less hair and longer earlobes, while your boobs will be less Carmen Electra, and a little more Whoopie Goldberg. You'll both be shy about getting naked, like when you were virgins (either separately or together), but for entirely different reasons. Your bodies will be a map of your life together � some avenues are best forgotten, while others show you the road home.
You'll know intimately what works for your partner, and this is both a blessing and a curse. Home runs are common place, but you'll ask yourself whether that's always a good thing.
Every once in a while, one of you will get a wild hair, and you'll find yourself bent over the washing machine. This can lead to skin dents, funny metaphors, and dirty sex of a new and more literal kind. Rose petals and candle light were always a concept born in the boardroom of a feminine hygiene company anyway.
I hope I haven't made you cry.
Don't despair. Know this: I enjoy my relationship with my husband more than any fleeting boogie I had with some robust young buck of my college years, I mean it. Besides, there are still some sweaty romps in our future.
Sincerely,
Jess
Dear Jess,
I've been married two years and all we do is fight about money. Why? Where do we go from here?
Dollars to Dohnuts
Dear D-D,
One of you is a tight-fisted weenie, and one of you needs to get a grip on something other than the credit cards. It's the crazy world of marital finances. These roles are not gender specific, though guys standing around the barbeque would smugly argue they are. I've seen it both ways, with the husband buying boats and playing endless rounds of golf while the wife struggles to invest a few pennies for a rainy day. Also the wife who can't resist another trip to the mall, while the husband hoards and counts. This is the age old fight, and you should just settle down and get used to it.
My wise old Grandmother, when asked her secret to living such a long and healthy life replied, "Everything in moderation, including moderation." I think this is a good adage for many topics, but especially money.
Save a lot of money. Way more than you think. Save until it hurts, then save a little more. That will probably be enough. Then go out and spend some. I recommend spending it toward free time rather than things, and I recommend spending it together. No one in this country really needs more knockoff particle-board crap from McBigMart, but they definitely need more personal time. People need time to sit and reflect. Marriage especially needs to have its pulse taken from time to time. And time away from the noise of the commonplace is what revives a marriage and reminds the individuals of who they are. It gives you both new material. Everyone needs a change of view.
If things get out of hand with all the fighting about money, see a financial counselor who can set you up with achievable financial goals and a budget so you only have the fight once, instead of every pay period.
Sincerely,
Jess
Dear Jess,
My old girlfriend is getting married this summer. She's invited me to the wedding, but I'm not sure I should go. I love her a lot, and want to show my support, but not sure it's quite right for me to attend.
Sincerely,
Old flame
Dear Flame,
Ah yes, how to be a supportive friend without ending up the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. Modern life is so full of these dilemmas. You definitely don't want to be the guest that everyone is whispering about, groups hushing as you approach the poached salmon. Nor do you want your old friend to feel slighted by your absence. A good thing to think about: Are you friends with the couple, or just with the bride? If you've established a friendship with the husband-to-be, and the three of you have hung out a few times, then I say, go, dance, make a funny toast and celebrate their new life together. Be classy, not too obtrusive, and have a pat answer handy for anyone who asks a question with an eyebrow raised. Something like, "I'm just here to catch the bouquet", should give you enough time to get away.
If your relationship to the bride ended any way but cleanly, send a nice note, a brilliant gift, and stay away. Don't make the waters brackish with your salty presence. In this case her motives may be less than crystalline. You don't want to get tangled up in some weird net of memory, regret and bad feeling with an audience of her family members and his groomsmen. You could end up smoking cigarettes in the parking lot with the valets, or worse, really polluting the day for everyone.
How hot did your flame burn? If it's still got heat enough to ignite, either her emotions, or his ire, stay out of the dry weeds of their wedding day and go see a matinee instead.
Good luck,
Jess
Jessica Schickel is a freelance writer living with her husband and two small children in the Cleveland area. Her column "Altared States" will become a regular feature on this website as well as in our magazine. Please direct your questions or musings about relationships, wedding planning, or whatever to [email protected]
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